***** Press Release *****

“A nasty winter storm has blown in, blanketing the state in snow and ice. Because of this, many drivers on our roadways and highways are sliding on the ice and packed snow, causing them to lose control of their vehicles and resulting in traffic accidents. In some cases, people are dying in these accidents. In order to save the lives of the people of our state I have declared a state of emergency and I am issuing the following directives:

1. People are to stay at home. Out on the roads it is not just your life you are risking, but others as well. Vehicles are very dangerous on ice and snow and the chance of killing yourself and others is too high to allow you to take that risk. The exceptions to this rule are detailed below.
2. All non-essential businesses are to close. This will not only saves the lives of people who own the businesses and the employees that work there, it will also save the lives of people who may decide to drive there to purchase items. However, essential businesses will remain open. Essential businesses are:
   • grocery stores – we all have to eat
   • pharmacies – many people are in need of medications to keep them alive and healthy
   • liquor stores and pot shops – liquor and pot are high-tax items and I can't have the state losing that money
   • big corporate chains – they contribute heavily to my campaigns so I can't have them losing money
3. You are allowed to drive to the essential businesses when necessary. When you have to drive, you are required to have studded snow tires on your vehicle. If you do not you will not be allowed to enter any place of business. While studded snow tires are currently not available due to high demand, tire manufacturers have been designated as essential businesses and soon the tires will be available at highly inflated prices. If you see someone driving without snow tires, be sure to confront that person and tell them how they are putting your life in danger.
4. There is a moratorium on rental evictions. If people can't go work they can't pay their rent. For those of you who own your own home or rental units and can't pay your mortgage, do not despair. When your property is about to foreclose my wealthy campaign donors will step in and for pennies on the dollar buy up your properties. This will lessen the impact that foreclosure would have on your credit ratings.

If we all follow these guidelines, we will save thousands of lives. While there is no way to quantify the numbers, we have top people who have made educated guesses about the number of people who will be saved. The fact that they all receive state government grants has not affected their numbers in any way.

Remember, if you venture out when you should not, it is not just your life but the lives of others that you put at risk!”

***** End of Press Release *****